Research in the United States finds that the likelihood of divorce can be predicted by studying how couples handle conflict. These four patterns often lead to marital problems:
- Escalation – when an argument turns into a full-blown nasty fight. Partners get more angry and frustrated. Threats to end the relationship are said. Partners hurt each other by hurling verbal and sometimes physical weapons. Negative, verbally abusive comments are made. Confidences from the past often become weapons in the escalation. These words are usually not meant, but used as ways to hurt or defend. The damage done to the relationship requires a lot of work.
Ted: (sarcastically) You’d think you could put the cap back on the toothpaste.
Wendy: (equally sarcastically) Oh, like you never forget to put it back.
Ted: As a matter of fact, I always put it back.
Wendy: Oh, I forgot just how compulsive you are. You’re right of course!
Ted: I don’t even know why I stay with you. You are so negative.
Wendy: Maybe you shouldn’t stay. No one is barring the door.
The Remedy for escalation is to short-circuit it by breaking the negative cycle. One tool is to soften the tone rather than get defensive. Another is to back off and acknowledge the other’s point of view.
Maria: (annoyed) You left the butter out again.
Hector: (irritated) why are little things so important to you? Just put it back.
Maria: (softening her tone) Things like that are important to me. Is that so bad?
Hector: (calmer) I guess not. Sorry I was snotty.
- Invalidation – when one partner subtly or directly puts down the thoughts, feelings or character of the other.
Wendy: (very angrily) You missed your doctor’s appointment again! You’re so irresponsible. I could see you dying and leaving me, just like your father.
Ted: (bruised) thanks a lot. You know I’m nothing like my father.
Wendy: He was a creep and so are you.
Ted: (dripping with sarcasm) I’m sorry. I forgot my good fortune to be married to such a paragon of responsibility. You can’t even keep your purse organized.
Wendy: At least I am not so obsessive about stupid little things.
Ted: You’re so arrogant.
The Remedy for invalidation is to show respect for and acknowledge the other’s viewpoint.
Wendy: (very angry) I’m very angry that you missed the doctor’s appointment again. I worry about you being around for me in the future.
Ted: (bruised) It really upset you, didn’t it?
Wendy: You bet. I want to know that you’re going to be there for me, and when you miss an appointment that I’m anxious about, I worry about us.
Ted: I understand why it would make you worried when I don’t take care of myself.
- Withdrawal and avoidance: Hide and seek – When one partner is unwilling to get into or stay with important discussions. They get up and leave the room or turn off or shut down an argument. They do this by getting quiet or quickly agreeing just to end the conversation with no intention of following through. Those into avoidance prefer that the difficult topic not come up.
Paula: When are we going to talk about how you are handling your anger.
Jeff: Can’t this wait? I have to get these taxes done.
Paula: I’ve brought this up at least five times already. No, it can’t wait!
Jeff: (tensing) What’s to talk about, anyway? It’s none of your business.
Paula: (frustrated and looking right at Jeff) Our daughter is our business. I’m afraid you may lose your temper and hurt her, and you won’t do a darn thing to learn to deal better with your anger.
Jeff: (turning away and looking out the window) I love Tanya. There’s no problem here. (leaving the room as he talks)
Paula: (very angry now, following Jeff into the next room) You have to get some help. You can’t just stick your head in the sand.
Jeff: I’m not going to discuss anything with you when you are like this.
Paula: Like what? It doesn’t matter if I’m calm or frustrated – you won’t talk to me about anything important. Tany is have problems and you have to face that.
Jeff: (quiet, tense, fidgeting)
Paula: Well?
Jeff: (going to the closet and grabbing sweater) I’m going out to have a drink and get some peace and quiet.
Paula: (voice raised, angry) Talk to me, now. I’m tired of you leaving when we’re talking about something important.
Jeff: (looking away from Paula and walking toward the door) I’m not talking, you are. Actually, you’re yelling. See you later.
Withdrawal is better than physical violence. When this is not a problem, the remedy for avoiding withdrawal is to recognize that these behaviors are not independent of the other. Couples are more successful if they work on these together. Paula has to back off some and Jeff has to participate more constructively. He can acknowledge that Paula is frustrated and they need to talk. He can set a time for that discussion to take place if he needs to be calmer. But he must assure Paula that he will follow through.
- Negative Interpretations: When perception is worse than reality. This happens when a partner regularly believes that the motives of the other are more negative than is really the case. This pattern is very destructive to a relationship.
Margot: We should start looking into plane tickets to go visit my parents this holiday season.
David: (thinking about their budget problem) I ws wondering if we can really afford it this year.
Margot: (in anger) My parents are very important to me, even if you don’t like them. I’m going to go.
David: I’d like to go, really I would. I just don’t see how we can afford a thousand dollars in plane tickets and pay the bill for Joey’s orthodontist, too.
Margot: You can’t be honest and admit you just don’t want to go, can you? Just admit it. You don’t like my parents.
David: There’s nothing to admit. I enjoy visiting your parents. I’m thinking about money here, not your parents.
Margot: that’s a convenient excuse. (storming out of the room).
To deal with negative interpretations, internal examination is necessary. The partner most vulnerable to this behavior needs to seriously examine if the interpretation is overly negative. It’s important to check it out and look for evidence that is contrary to this negative interpretation. Another step is to ask why you maintain a pattern of negativity. This self-reflection is difficult, but productive.
Since these four patterns of handling conflict are so deadly to relationships, it is vital that couples practice correcting them and get the help they need, if they find themselves unsuccessful.
